18 Weeks Pregnant After Stillbirth

Holy moly! The last 5 weeks went by so fast... I hope the next 22 go just as fast! It feels really good to get farther away from that 13 week mark, it makes me feel like I'm more in the "safe" zone. I know that's not true though and so at the same time as I get in the 20 weeks I feel more scared as well. Its really a scared either way situation I suppose. I had another ultrasound since 13 weeks, it was yesterday actually. That made me feel SO much better. Just seeing baby and seeing its heartbeat is so comforting. The doppler is nice and makes me feel good until ultrasounds, but I know the doppler isn't a guarantee that everything is okay. I also found out that I get two anatomy scans (I hope insurance covers both). My high risk specialist and my normal ob both want to do one. More time to see my baby sounds good to me (: Plus I know then that everything is getting super checked.

Its crazy how much more important and how much an ultrasound impacts you this time around. With Jayden the ultrasounds seemed like a gift or a special treat; this time they are something I feel I need to just not go crazy with worry. 

I ALSO FELT BABY KICK!!! I can't even explain how much I love this feeling. I'm sure my boyfriend is sick of me notifying him of it, but oh gosh... its the best feeling in the world at this point. He even got to feel it a few times which I think made him super happy! The only thing I dislike about kicking right now is the fact that it's not regular, I get freaked out if its been a few hours and I haven't felt it but I know at this point my little 5 or so inch baby isn't big enough to make it so I feel every kick or movement. I'm ready to get to the kick count stage. I think this will be the most comforting and reassuring part for me. 

On the me and my body note of it all I'm finally gaining weight!! It makes me happy and feels like such a silly achievement but I feel like I eat an entire cows worth in a day and then barely gain... it makes it hard work. The morning sickness and tiredness is also letting up which will make school a lot easier! 

I'm also getting into baby shopping mode. I bought two Valentine's Day books to read to baby next month! I'm so excited to know what we are having though so I can start really making a wishlist/registry for baby that is gender specific. If its a girl then I found this adorable Alice in Wonderland pack 'n play (this secretly makes me hope its a girl.... shhhhh don't tell my boyfriend). I can't wait to be further along though so I can make these lists comfortably. Right now I have so much apprehension about it, I almost feel bad or guilty making list. Then I feel silly for feeling that way because there is really no reason why I should worry too much. Oh man mind is a crazy circling trap when it comes to this. 

Time to go eat more food (: