Growing a human

Is exhausting!! I just want to sleep and sleep - which I am going to do now. Goodnight all! 

<3 Taylor Lea

13 Weeks Pregnant After Stillbirth

Today I am 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant! I haven't written my history yet with stillbirth (Jayden) but I will. Its a very emotional post for me so I have to be in the right mood to write it properly. Pregnancy so far has not been a similar experience to my first pregnancy at all. My first pregnancy was full of joy, surprise and excitement at this stage... this time the three words I would use to describe it are anxious, worrisome, and love. The love isn't as innocent as it was the first time around though. I guess the type of love I had last time was kind of like your first high school love. First pregnancy was like that first boyfriend that said I love you. You are so caught up with how amazing it is and stuff that everything just seems perfect the whole time, I always described it as innocent love. This time though pregnancy is like your second boyfriend or any other relationship later on; I know how things can go wrong so I'm always worrying. I know of the chance of heartbreak and of things going bad so its hard not to get caught up in those thoughts. I absolutely love being pregnant though and I'm already head over heels in love with this new child. This love just isn't as innocent as it was the first time around. I guess its harder for me to get as attached to this child because I'm worried I'm not going to get that future with them. Its a terrible thought but its always in my head and is honestly the reality I feel like I have to remember. 

Aside from that side of the emotional side of it so far pregnancy has been good. I've made it to 13 weeks, first trimester, which feels like a HUGE accomplishment. Its definitely allowing me to grow closer to this baby now, knowing I'm more in the "safe" zone. Last week we went to Billings to a specialist and I got to watch my little baby move around so much on the ultrasound and it was incredible! It was sucking on its hand and kicking around. It already seems so big. I can even swear I felt it kick (or bodyslam because I feel like a kick is too small) a few times. Not everyday but every few days I have that feeling. The doctor doubted it today but I really think it was! 

My ob appointment today went awesome! It was the first time actually meeting with the ob this pregnancy at my usually clinic. He went over my risk of pre-e showing up again (10-15%) and how they are gonna monitor me differently. This made me feel so much better and do more ultrasounds. This makes the idea of having my baby alive in my arms to take home seem more possible. That probably sounds silly, but after you go through what I did, pregnancy doesn't make you feel like you will have that. I won't truly believe its happening until that crying, beautiful baby is here in my home and I pray so much that it actually gets to happen. 

<3 Taylor Lea